Finding My Seoul Mate

In the 2+ years that I've been in Korea, I have, by chance, dated exclusively Korean guys. The reason is partially that my exposure to Korean media has made them attractive to me, partially because I wanted an avenue to explore the culture more deeply, partially because the foreign men here are mostly interested in Korean girls, and partially because I genuinely liked the individuals I dated.

The Korean guys I dated have greatly varied; from casual to loving; watchmakers to University students, guys who have never left Korea, guys who have lived in more countries than I have; those who barely speak English, and those whose knowledge of grammar and Greek roots far surpasses my own.

I am now going to share some observations about my experiences.

Appearance

People of all nationalities are attractive. If you are cute, you are cute, regardless of your background. That being said, Koreans go the extra mile to take care of themselves through exercise, personal grooming, etc. Its nice when when my boyfriend can give me advice about how to get my hair the way I want it because he admits spending a lot of time on his own hair. I also like guys who look soft and cuddly but are surprisingly strong. Many ordinary guys in this country (office workers, students, the guy in 711) are supermen underneath their clothes. Its refreshing when guys pride themselves on their fashion sense and look like they paid attention to what they put on, rather than just grabbing the cleanest shirt off the floor. American guys who do this, tend to get labeled as Metro sexual, and are seen as bit more dandy than others. I'd certainly appreciate it if, in America, we could be more open minded towards fashionable men.


On the other hand, this can backfire when my boyfriend takes longer to get ready to go out than I do, can't pass a mirror, window, rain puddle, or any reflective surface without glancing in, and is generally prettier than I am. In addition, although this is acceptable in Some Western countries, in my homeland men do not wear pink. I'm open minded to men in pink (also to men in make up, glitter, skirts, etc.) but even I am going to laugh good naturedly if a man I find attractive is taking off his clothes, only to reveal pink underwear. I also laugh when Korean men refer to their underwear as "panties." "Panty" is actually the proper Korean word for gender neutral underwear. I know that, but it still gives me the giggles. Of course, if the guy laughs too, or makes a joke about me in return, the moment becomes comfortable and fun, instead of awkward.


The Telephone

Some Korean guys like to be in contact with the girl they are interested in all the time. If a guy I like calls me, I appreciate it because I don't have to wait for his call, or wonder how many days to wait before I should call him. However, don't over do things. In the past, Korean guys have sent me up to 50 (this is a literal, unexaggerated number) text messages in one day, if I allow it. I get freaked out by such a high volume of texts, especially when none of them say anything particularly interesting or important. Some of my Korean girlfriends say I should appreciate when my boyfriend sends me texts like "The weather is beautiful. Have a nice day," because it shows he is thinking about me and he cares about me. However, those generic messages leave me wondering, "Does my boyfriend know so little about me, that all he can talk about with me is the weather?" I want to be asked "What do you think about?" "What do you care about?" "How are you feeling?" (Do guys of any nationality ask those questions anymore?) Personally, I'd rather have one phone call in a day where we really connect, talk deeply, and feel close to each other, than 50 texts messages about the weather, no matter how beautiful it is outside.

Language Barrier

You would think that the language barrier would be a problem since I'm in Korea and I only speak English, but when people trust one another with an open heart, they are willing to forgive miscommunications. Many of my Korean girlfriends are not perfect English speakers but we are very close friends and talk about everything. That is because we both have a willingness to talk to each other. Sometimes the guys I've met don't have that willingness to communicate, and many times, they blame it on a lack of English. Of course, a certain amount of common language is necessary to maintain a relationship, but a willingness to talk openly and try to understand the other person is also necessary. Some Korean guys tend to avoid discussing uncomfortable topics. Past ex-boyfriends, at times, wouldn't tell me that I had done something hurtful or upsetting to them, assuming that I should just know. If I knew everything about everyone I'd be telling fortunes and reading tarot cards on the street (which might be fun^^), but since I can't, its up to my boyfriend to tell me how he feels, instead of assuming I know, and avoiding me. I am always open to discussion.

I Love You

Too often, I'll meet a Korean guy who decides he likes me right away. In a matter of days or even hours he is saying, "I love you" to me. Its nice to hear "I love you," but when he hasn't known me very long it sounds insincere. I know that he is saying it because it represents his strong feeling for me in the moment, but love is a feeling that is meant to last over time. Can he really put up with me as the weeks go by? Is he sure he can handle who I am and accept me? Will he still love me when he finds out my negative qualities? If he's not sure, he should hold off on saying "I love you." A better way for him to show he cares about me would be by asking questions and being interested in who I am. I don't want to be asked "Where are you?" or "What are you doing now?" Based on my previous Korean boyfriends failing to really get to know me as a person, they had an inability to trust me. They always wanted to know where I was and what I was doing. They would get angry if I went to a club or a bar, and sulk if I didn't message them back fast enough. Even the one boyfriend I loved the most, couldn't perceive that I would never cheat on him.

It feels like a lot of people haven't really thought about what love is, no matter what country they are from. I'm not blaming them, as romantic love is a fairly difficult concept to get used to. 120 years ago in my country, we were still looking at marriage as a sort of contractual relationship, uniting two families. Today we see marriage as the product of romantic love instead, and yet 50% of our marriages end in divorce. Korea has had even less time to get used to the freedom of romantic love. Even now, many people around me believe that a relationship and a marriage is not only about the couple, but about a uniting of two families. The families themselves especially seem to believe this. I've often wondered how my previous boyfriends would approach their families about me, if we ever became that serious.

The Korean marriage ritual includes the family of the groom purchasing a house for the couple, and the family of the bride purchasing the furniture. This is how young couples get started. If the family disapproves of a Korean man's white girlfriend, they aren't going to buy his house, so unless he is quite successful on his own, he would feel enormous pressure to concede to his family's wishes. At least two of the guys I dated had the potential to eventually be successful on their own. One of them was so serious about me at a certain point that he told me I'd have to learn Korean so it would be easier for his family to like and accept me when it came time to get married.

It seems that although the family's approval is still important, at the same time, romantic love is gaining popularity. Many of the guys I've dated have told me that they already talked to their family about how they eventually want to marry a foreigner. In the Korean-Korean relationships of my friends, when the families disagree with the couple's decision to marry, the couple tries to "hold out." They believe if they wait long enough to get married, that their family will fear they will never marry at all and accept any choice. That is one avenue of rebellion I've seen so far, so I am optimistic that it is possible to go against the family's wishes.

On top of that,(or maybe because of it) Korean pop culture is very couple oriented with couple t-shirts, couple underwear, couple sets, couple menus, couple discounts; all promoting excitement over romantic love. There is a high expectation placed on people to find the perfect love, and it seems that Koreans are focused on obtaining it despite the expectations and pressures of their family.

Unfortunately, however, they don't seem to have spent a lot of time thinking about how to maintain it once they get it, or how to create it. Carrying my purse, giving me a massage, cooking for me, drying me with a towel after my shower; these gestures, as well as couple t-shirts and any of the things associated with couple mania, are manifestations of the emotions my previous boyfriends have felt for me, but none of them produced a lasting relationship.

Everyone probably has his or her own definition of love, but I'm sure that many would agree that it extends beyond your momentary feelings of happiness to be with someone, and the romantic gestures you make because of those feelings. Text messages and toweling me off are not enough to make a lasting love. I would say that love is something you have to work on together as a couple. That feeling cannot last without effort from both people, and that effort needs to be internal; in your mind. Talking to me and knowing who I am and what I am about would be more effective. It would eliminate the Korean habit of messaging me 50 times a day, since he would know that I care and I'm thinking of him, whether I'm texting him at that moment or not. It would eliminate his fear and doubt when I stay out all night with my friends because he would know that I understand commitment and I am not flirting (or more) with other guys. In fact, it would make for a stronger bond between us all together.

A cross-cultural relationship between an American girl and a Korean guy contains all these problems, plus the personal characteristics and issues of the individuals involved. Casual relationships are easy enough, but a more serious relationship would be a difficult road that I would only be willing to walk for a very special person.